Pufferfish Gnomes

Yesterday, I finally did something I've wanted to do for a long, long time.
I finally got to play D&D.

...Stop laughing.

I've been wanting to play ever since I moved in with Zach, Darren, and Jess in our tiny little apartment 3 years ago. They had been running a D&D game for nearly 10 years, and every Saturday night sounds of surprise, laughter, and nerd rage drifted into my bedroom down the hall. I wanted to play, but there were several issues. I wasn't sure if I wanted to devote every Saturday night, from 10 pm to 4 am, stuck in my livingroom. Additionally, two of the gamers did not take kindly to new players and did not hesitate resorting to verbal abuse. They had also experienced several previous female gamers flake out and leave the game, creating frustration which they took out on any new female gamers. Which would subsequently cause the female gamers to leave, the frustration to increase, and the nasty cycle repeat itself.
Somehow this cut down on the appeal.

But I still wanted to learn how to play. I'm a socially awkward lab nerd, and have always envied the social gatherings that gamers get to enjoy. And finally, I got a chance. My evening plans had been unexpectedly canceled, so Wil managed to get me a last-minute invite to his weekly game.

The only catch: I had to be a gnome. Everyone in this campaign was a gnome. Within 10 minutes I had a character prepared. I named her Carlin, because I am fairly certain the George Carlin was God returning to Earth just to fuck with us. On paper, my character was a level 4 weakling sorcerer with no useful combat skills, and a ton of points in charisma. In my head, she was a mix between Mae West, Jet Li, Gandalf, and the Invader Zim gnomes. She would flawlessly kick ass and have more charm than James Bond. She be unstoppable!

Fear me.

Since she was a sorcerer,  she could have a familiar. I wanted something fluffy.
The DM initially offered me a snake.
I absolutely love snakes. But I wanted fluffy.
"Wolf?"
"No. Fluffier!"
I tried to convince him that a rabid chinchilla would be quite effective against any potential enemies, especially if it had a nasty cocaine habit and unresolved anger issues due to a lack of hugs. 

If a dragon saw this, he would shit is scaly pants.

 He did not seem convinced. Instead, I got a cat.
Cats are rather fluffy, but it is a well known fact that mythological creatures, such as dragons and Asians, find them incredibly delicious. I decided that my cat would be a mutant kitten which would wield puffer fish as weapons, but decided against telling the DM.

In all reality, dragon would probably eat the cat, and use the puffer fish as toothpicks.

And so, my first adventure into the nerdy world of Dungeons and Dragons started. I was incredibly excited to bring out my new kick-ass character against the evil hoard of bipedal hyena people. My imagination went wild with brief daydreams of rolling natural 20s and blowing all their nerdy little minds out of the water. I had determination, a buttload of points in charisma, and awesome boobs.

I would be a veritable gamer goddess.

My first two attempts were a complete miss. I never rolled above an 8.

I could hear the D20 laughing at me.

I held my head high, despite the shame, and quietly plotted the destruction of the evil D20 which was hindering my quest to become a gamer goddess. I decided to build a make-shift trebuchet out of a spoon and rubber bands and launch it into the burning fireplace, a mere 3 feet away, while laughing manically in my victory over the evil D20. But before I could even find a rubber band, it was my turn again. A sympathetic gamer lent me her dice. I rolled a hit, and was so overcome by glee I instantly forgot my plot and focused on the attack. It was an attack using my puffer-fish wielding familiar. The evil hyena man did not die, but I managed to critically injure him, proving once and for all that puffer fish do make a fearsome weapon against bipedal canines. (As if you had any doubts).

A gnome's best friend.

Autoerotic Darwinism

Tonight at dinner, while viciously stabbing a piece of broccoli with my chopstick (I was imagining that it was a creationist), I suddenly had a brilliant idea.

Me: "Oh my god!"
Wil: "What?"
Me: You know all those people who are into autoerotic asphyxiation and accidentally kill themselves with belts, because they can't undo the buckle?"
Wil, looking confused: "Yeah...."
Me: "Well, what if we created a product that was essentially a belt, but with a quick-release button on the side in case of emergencies?"
Wil: "Uh, I think those kinds of people aren't the kind who advertise their fetish. I doubt they would go actively looking for a product, especially when they can discreetly buy a belt at a store."
Me: "Well, the smart ones would buy it! And the ones who don't and then kill themselves with belts deserved it for not buying my awesome product. It's Darwinism in action!"

This is the new face of Darwinism.

E. coli Are Bacterial Kittens.

Being the huge microbiology nerd that I am, I can ramble on endlessly about viruses, parasites, and bacteria. I've found it to be a handy way to get out of those awkward silences in conversations, particularly in the rare occasion when a man is hitting on me. Such an interaction usually goes as such:

Man: "Hey there"
Me, looking up from my textbook: "Hello!"
Man: "What are you reading?"
Me, holding up my textbook and beaming proudly: "Mahon's Textbook Diagnostic Microbiology!"
Man: "Is that a picture of a man's..."
Me, interrupting: "Yup, this poor guy had a really nasty MRSA infection."
Man: "I, uh..."
Me, completely oblivious: "MRSA is actually pretty cool. See, a lot of bacterium evolved to produce the beta lactamase enzyme, which blocks the action of Methicillin. Not just Methicillin, it works against Penicillin, Ampicillin. All the Cillins, really. And then MRSA took it a step further by changing the protiens the antibiotics bind to, the Penicillin Binding Proteins. Cool, huh?"
Man, still staring at the picture: "I really need to go. I need to, uh, I forgot to wash my hair." * runs off *

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have shown him that picture.

When it comes to bacteria, I just can't help myself; I love the little guys. Seriously, look at this picture:

Look at him! He's like a cute little half-stoned Rastafarian! I want to pick it up and hug it while it praises Zion.

Or, take the example of this E.coli:

It's so fluffy! Like a kitten! That's right: E.coli are the kittens of the bacterial world. I can just imagine it laying in a sunbeam in my living room, getting high on E.coli-nip and running around my house chasing imaginary monsters. I bet my bacterial kitten would even curl up on the pillow next to me while I sleep.

Admit it. You want one.

The Nerdiest Kitten

I bet this kitten knows whether to use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve.

Technological Ineptitude

In case the blog title, tag line, and profile description didn't tip you off, I am a nerd. Or a geek. Or a dork.

Probably all three.

There are those out there who would quickly jump up and object at my casual interchanging of the three terms, insisting that each has their own unique definition. I really don't care. I'm a socially awkward scientist who is passionate about biology, medicine, comics, science fiction, and thinks that technology is amazing. I manage to fit, one way or another, into all three categories. (What would that be? A Noreek? A Geeorkerd? Deeord?)

Computers and associated technology, however, are a slight weakness. Not because I don't love them; I truly do. However, despite coming from three generations of scientists and engineers (including two grandfathers who were aeronautical engineers), my parents are technologically impaired. I don't know why, considering the scientific professions of their parents; Maybe technological affinity skips a generation, or maybe technological ineptitude is the result of some undiscovered chromosomal translocation. (Probably not)

Their technophobia resulted in me having no computer skills until college, where I then learned about the wonders of email, social networking, mp3s, and even some basic coding. I was left in awe of the technology's potential and hungry for more. My parents, however, didn't share my sentiment. They refused to buy a DVD player until 2005. Mom still had dial up until 2009. My dad didn't even have internet at home until 2006. They still own more VHS tapes than DVDs.

I love them dearly, and they are learning. But their technophobia still leads to some amusing situations, such as the time I tried explaining the iPhone.

Me: You see, it operates as so much more than a phone. It can serve as a translator, a map, a GPS system, an address book, a calandar, you can make to-do lists, play games, take photos, watch movies, even pull up an electronic boarding pass which can be scanned right at the airport."
Parent: "And it has internet?"
Me: "Yup! Everywhere you go! Most of the applications rely on the internet to function"
Parent: "But what if I am not at home or work? That's where my internet is."
Me: "The phone company provides the wireless. You could have internet wherever you go."
Parent: "Why?"
Me: "What?"
Parent: "Why would you want that? You have internet at home, and internet at work. Why would you want internet everywhere you go?"
Me: "I...I don't understand the question..."

* awkward silence *

The parental unit never got the iPhone, opting instead for a low end samsung, which "has a touch screen and can get internet too, so it's like an iPhone."

I love them dearly, and they are learning. In the past two years I've informed them of Stephen Hawking, the large hadron collider, the difference between facebook and email, the importance of texting, and how to use a flash drive.

The Weapons of Science

A friend of mine found this recently and gave it to me.

I love it when my belief system can be summed up in a comic.